I was able to sneak around because my aunt and uncle were irresponsible guardians. I was able to do whatever I wanted so long as I wasn’t in their way. After a few years of stealth watching everyone I thought was a good person, I quickly realized that people were bad. All people were bad. The nice girls and boys, adults, everyone had something to hide.

I witnessed so many things and often thought about how easy it would be to just get rid of all of these bad people. Saul taught me otherwise though. He said that I had a fiery inclination for justice. That burning sensation in my heart wasn’t all just anger, but passion for the right thing.

I became an expert in becoming inconspicuous at every school I went to and minded my own business. I came to believe that I was the one who didn’t want friends, I was the one that needed to be punished, I was the cause of my parents deaths, and that of my little brother. To me, even if only to me… he was someone I had lost. And now, she had lost someone too.

She blamed me, I didn’t understand why. Back then I didn’t know. Now I know why all of the abuse began again. Eventually I stopped all my lessons, not by choice. She made me hate it by getting involved. Things got worse fast because Saul was kicked out. At that time, I didn’t understand why he was just gone, I was so upset. First her baby was gone, the joy left my life, and then my lifesaver was gone. For the first time I refused their orders, I thought who cares, if I die, I die. It was the only time I ever did. Her escalation and his permissive behavior allowed it to get worse. When I gave the notion of disobedience, they nearly killed me.  Both of them… if Saul hadn’t stopped them, him… her.

I tense up and gargle some throw up, I swallow it. Holding my stomach I fall out of the thoughts in my head and sit still. I’m on my bed. Tears now flowing down my face. I had promised myself I wouldn’t go to that dark place. I hold my stomach and face tighter, and breath in slowly. I take some medicine and it lulls me to sleep.The strong medication holds true for the rest of Saturday. No dinner, no homework, no bath, I simply drift to sleep.

I wake up and I am at the cabin, I hear my brother crying. I am snapped into the moment and I rush towards him knowing the fate that will befall him. I can see him clear as day. Then the little boom, I can see it. The gas tank next to the cabin was hit by something. I can float and roam through things. This time this dream feels different.

I feel the urge to go to my brother, but its as if something is forcing me to go towards the fire. I swing my arms trying to move towards him, I see a shadow. Jumping from place to place and a sense of calm overflows me. Now, I can go see the fire. I can feel that he is going to be okay. I get to the fire. I am no longer a child, but I am standing in the fire. I can feel the soft warmth of the flames engulf me.

I can feel a merging happening, it’s like I am turning into fire and the fire is turning into me. I feel my anxiety flare and I loose control of the flames. This feels right and yet this sense of danger! My eyes open and utter the words, Jason! My eyes tear up as I run away from it all, I feel the flame behind me. It envelopes everything. The cabin, the trees…. I go to where my young self lays, as a floating apparition again, and see that I am unconscious but unharmed. I noticed the shadow from a distance, and feeling that it can sense me, I back away from my child self and hide as if I walked away. In the trees, I think to myself, ‘I can see what this thing is, or I can go search for Jason…? What should I do?’

“WaaaAAAaaahhhHHH” I turn instantaneously, and float to the noise. I turn back around and I see the figure is small, a child!?! I see him stick out his hand and then jump away to the shadows of the trees. I can see myself start to wake up. I can still hear the cries of a baby. I see my little self struggle to get up, and move towards the noise. I get close to her, I can help! I reach out to her, and she falls through my arm to the floor. Shocked I look at my hand, no…NO! I have to do something! ‘Y..You,… can,… do it. You can do it!’ I tell myself as if I’m telling her.

She crawls to the noise and reaches it. Making it there, I realize I can go further faster. When I try I am blocked. I guess I can only go as fast as her now, this must be the missing memory! I try my best to see ahead but its all blank. I hear a loud caw sound. I hear it over and over again. It wont stop.

I’m not too sure what happened after that, but things got better. I was treated like a human being. And I was put into ballet, singing lessons, I played the flute, and played soccer. Saul would encourage me to go out and try new things. I would ask my guardians and they always said yes. Then she got pregnant. And with that her sanity began to unravel, I felt for her.

When she shared the news with me, I was happy for her. I knew that a baby would bring a wonderful time to the family. At first, the news brought great joy to the house, we laughed and I was involved with helping her with anything she needed. The first few months things were great, then something changed. I guess someone found out my aunt was pregnant, she had told me to keep it a secret, so the only person I told was Saul and he would never betray my trust. I knew that she would actively try to hide it from him and get silent when he would come around her. If we would talk about her baby, she would change the conversation to include all babies. I always found it suspicious.

Actually, …wait, I remember why…

It was years later, I walked in on Saul talking on the phone, before this I didn’t even bother to think of Saul having a family or anything like friends. He was just always there for me. So when I saw him on the phone I remember thinking that it was weird and stayed by the door to hear what he was talking about to see if I could see who he was talking to. I remember him saying, “She’s pregnant again? Well, this time she can have it. Since Magenta is in good health and away from any harm,… yea, yea, she has been doing great. We don’t have to get rid of that one, we know who the right heir is now anyways…” I remember getting bored and walked away because I heard my cartoon come back on.

So then…,

I guess she hid it from Saul because if she was pregnant while I was under her care, I might die? Maybe she wanted to make her child the only heir? Why kill me though? It’s not like it was my fault for being born. So then, Saul killed her baby? Saul would never do that! Never! So then, it was her deteriorating mental state that made her loose her baby. Just like the doctor said.

When she began to plan for the arrival of her baby, she was maybe 7 months along, I remember that some people came and took everything away. From one day to the next, we went from joy to depression. No one was allowed to talk about babies or young things. I tried to stay out of her war path because the mere sight of me drove her insane. I questioned my value and saw myself as a person who was so bad. What else could I be? If she acted that way towards me, then I must have been doing something wrong. She had me so well trained to believe that.

When I first moved in, I went along with what the family routine was. I thought that I should fit into whatever their normal was. I went to the school they wanted, I did everything that they wanted. There was a fight going on over where I should live and with whom. There were some strangers who I had never met that wanted me, they wanted me so bad.

But, when the judge asked me with whom I wanted to live, I chose the only family I had. I had chosen my fate and me being in that situation made me feel like it was all my fault. I had chosen what punishment to get, for having had something to due with my parents death. When they heard that they won me, I remember their reaction was lacking. But I was just happy that the judge has chosen someone that I at least knew.

For a while things were routine, but then when I made a friend and asked to do… something, I don’t really remember what it was. My aunt got very upset and annoyed. She complained that “Well, if this is were our money is going to go now! We don’t have money for that and our vacation that we already paid half of.” I was just a bother, I quieted down and apologized.

Not soon after that, my friend moved away. Every single friend I ever made after that moment, moved away. She saw me cry after the third one and told me that it was because I was supposed to be friendless, that because I was so worthless any one who came in contact with me would get their lives ruined by first moving away. She would tell me that if I liked someone then I should just stay away, and admire who they were from a far.

I remember liking different people and they moved away. Then when I would meet someone nice, I would stay away and just quietly and sneakily watch them from far away. That’s when I noticed the evil side of all people.

 

After that day I went numb, I wouldn’t do anything, I just couldn’t…. I wouldn’t talk, or respond, it made them upset and I couldn’t care because I couldn’t feel anything. Why was I alive? Why were my parents taken from me? Why couldn’t I accept that my brother was a figment of my imagination? How could life change so much for me? Why am I surrounded by people who don’t care about me? Oh…

That’s right, because it’s my fault they’re gone. I don’t remember what happened, those memories lost since that very first day. But I do remember that I felt guilty, a guilt so heavy that even then, I knew it meant I was bad. I must have felt that way for a reason. This was my penance, and Saul more than anyone knew how bad it got. It was he who found me the day I almost died. He knew something was wrong with me and told my guardians about it, but they were fed up with the chaos that was me. They simply replied, “If you think she is sick, then you may take the motorcycle, add the companion seat, put gas in it, and take her to the hospital yourself.”

As soon as he came back to my room he put a sweater and coat on me, carried me to the motorcycle and sat me in the buddy seat. I remembered thinking ‘Why are you doing this? Just let me go, I want to see my family again.’

I remember his frantic state, and the gentleness of his care for me. I felt for him, he was acting in vain. He asked me over and over if I was okay? By the 10th time I finally grunted to sign ‘yes’. We made it to the hospital and they took care of me. I ended up getting pneumonia, and if I would have arrived any later I would have died or been mentally damaged. The doctors took Saul aside, they talked. It seemed like an agreement of some kind, and then my guardians came. The nurse asked me some questions and I couldn’t answer. I was still numb.

My aunt entered my room, and exclaimed “Oh, Magenta! You’re all right!”. She hugged me, the same way as the first time when I was being taken care of, the day of my parents death. I realized, ‘Since then? Since then you didn’t like me? Since then you didn’t want me? You are a monster.’ I looked at her with contempt. But, as soon as she looked my way I put my face down.

A police officer came in and asked the nurse, “Ma’am is the man who brought her here still on the premises? We need to ask him a few questions.” The nurse said “Yes” as she should have and walked out of the room to show him where last she saw him. My aunt let go of me and she smirked. I looked up at her, to this day I don’t know why, why she told me what she told me? Did she think I was too far gone to do something about it?

She stood up and mumbled to herself, “He messed up, finally I can get rid of him. Once he is gone I can finally do away with this burden” she faces and looks to me “and move on with our lives.” I just thought to myself ‘So this is how I finally get to die.’ Then I heard the commotion outside of the door, a mumbled voice. My aunt goes to the door and goes outside, but doesn’t close the door all the way. I hear Saul very clearly, “I didn’t kidnap Magenta! I was given permission from madam to take her to the hospital!”

I could hear the officer say, “Sir you have the right to remain silent,…” Saul made eye contact with me and calmed down. He smiled and left willingly with the officer. I felt the injustice, I realized this wasn’t my punishment, this was their cruelty. I sat there wondering ‘What should I do?…. Wait…

I want to do something? I can’t just let this happen. He didn’t lie, and cops were good people, so why did they think that Saul had kidnapped me??’ Then I remembered her comment, and realized what she had done.

I needed to do something, but what could I do. I brought my knees to my face and felt defeated. I needed to make this right. So I did the only thing I could think of, I chose to threaten my aunt to free Saul. I called for the nurse and she came in with an officer. She finished her check up, and I started to respond, answering her questions. Finally it was the cops turn to ask.

Her first question, “Did the servant Saul kidnap you?” I was shocked, I looked at her confused. Then it came to me, this is my chance! I replied “What? No! Saul didn’t kidnap me. I don’t remember if he asked for permission from me, but I was unconscious. I was sick and disoriented that I couldn’t even respond. He saved my life! Please don’t punish Saul for saving my life, when my aunt and uncle did nothing to help me.”

She then asked, “Do your guardians normally ignore you when you get sick?” I said “Yes, because they don’t want to get sick too. So they always have Saul care for me on top of everything else he does for our family. Sometimes it gets overwhelming for him…” I start to cry, realizing how much he truly cared and tried for me, “but he always makes time for me, not like them.” I respond almost hissing in anger, through my tears.

At first everything was fine, we unpacked what we brought, we made the beds, I set up my baby brother’s room. The feeling in the room was happy, joyful, and… Saul was…there? Ha. ha. ha. No. Saul isn’t there, but because of this day I really got to meet him for the first time. Then, the storm hit. Such a weird moment. Everything a blur. I remember putting my brother to sleep, I remember looking at his cute little face thinking that “I can’t wait to talk to you.” I remember feeling frightened, and hiding under my blankets. Seeing flashes of light. One right after the other. And the little rocks hitting the cabin. Then.

Then I remember feeling a sense of calmness. I walk out of bed towards the window and I see such a beautiful red and magenta to orange light coming from the woods. Next thing I knew, I was outside in front of it. A tree fallen over, embers everywhere and a fire thriving. I remember reaching out my hand, almost playing with the soft little fires. They tickled my fingers, I remember carrying one and feeling its little heartbeat. Then the boom and things go dark fast.

I wake up to my aunt crying to the officers. My uncle yelling at the officers to find him, you must find him. I get up and walk towards the commotion, I can’t see. I wipe my eyes, and when I open them I see red and blue flashes of lights. I cover my face and walk towards the cabin. An officer sees me and he yells “medic!” I get lifted and they say “what happened?” The medic starts his check up, and I try to grab her hands to make her stop, I ask again “what happened? what happened?! WHAT HAPPENED!?!?!?” almost screeching at the medic.

She walks away and comes back with my aunt. She says, “Oh, Magenta!” She hugs me. “How are you dear? Are you all right? We were both so worried about you.” She lets me go. I look to her confused. “Yes Auntie, of course I’m alright. Auntie… what happened?” She backs away, surprised. She walks away, I get up and head to the cabin. I look and look, I think ‘where is it? Where? Is? It?’ I begin to call out, “Momma! Pappa!”

Silence. Everything stops, it all goes quiet. At that moment I knew they were gone, in that moment I felt this blame on myself, I felt responsible for not being where I was supposed to be. This was all my fault. I began to cry, I stood there and I cried. I heard the officer say that they found the bodies of the mother and father only. I thought ‘…only…? ONLY??’ I run through the ashes to where my baby brother was. The fire fighters catch up to me and lift me yelling, “Wait! It’s still too hot!” I yell “But… my BABY BROTHER!”

They bring me back to my aunt and uncle. They ask my aunt and uncle “Is there also a baby that was on the premises?” They both look at each other confused and say in unison, “Baby!?” My Aunt continues, “They didn’t have a baby, we saw them just about a month ago, they didn’t have a baby.” I watched her lie, my dad talked to her everyday, how could she not know. I grew angry on the inside and yelled, “I do have a baby brother! I do!” They left me with a police officer, and they talked, and talked, and talked.

I remember feeling and thinking “I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I d… have a brother, I do… have a brother, I don… have a brother… I don’t have a brother?”

I ended up living with my aunt and uncle. At first I really think they tried to love me. Love me like one of their own they would tell me. Always distinguishing that I wasn’t really one of them. But after failed attempts to convince them that I did have a baby brother, they began to punish me. Maybe it felt good to them to do that to me, but what ever the reason it didn’t stop there.

After the funeral, they read my parents will. That’s when Saul came to live with us. He was our servant, he introduced himself to me. I almost spoke “I’ve met you before”, but my aunt cut me off and said “I know that so long as we care for dear Magenta, we will be able to use her parents finances to provide her the lifestyle dictated in their will. My poor sister-in-law, my poor brother-in-law, but alas here we are Saul. We accept your services as dictated by the will, but understand that if you cross us, we can always live without Magenta…”

My heads looks down, I felt such a shock, to my core. I lost all sense of myself, I felt destroyed. I lost my mom, and my dad! I felt as if I was going crazy because I remembered my brother, his scent, his little hand, and yet, he didn’t exist.

She continues “I mean without Magenta’s parent’s money. We love Magenta, but we don’t know you. We don’t live like this. My husband chose to bring her in because she is HIS brother’s daughter. Me? I have a connection with Magenta that isn’t a mother’s role, because I could never be her mother. But I care about her well-being, so I am invested in raising her as a proper young woman who knows her place. And you wont interfere with that.”