I was able to sneak around because my aunt and uncle were irresponsible guardians. I was able to do whatever I wanted so long as I wasn’t in their way. After a few years of stealth watching everyone I thought was a good person, I quickly realized that people were bad. All people were bad. The nice girls and boys, adults, everyone had something to hide.

I witnessed so many things and often thought about how easy it would be to just get rid of all of these bad people. Saul taught me otherwise though. He said that I had a fiery inclination for justice. That burning sensation in my heart wasn’t all just anger, but passion for the right thing.

I became an expert in becoming inconspicuous at every school I went to and minded my own business. I came to believe that I was the one who didn’t want friends, I was the one that needed to be punished, I was the cause of my parents deaths, and that of my little brother. To me, even if only to me… he was someone I had lost. And now, she had lost someone too.

She blamed me, I didn’t understand why. Back then I didn’t know. Now I know why all of the abuse began again. Eventually I stopped all my lessons, not by choice. She made me hate it by getting involved. Things got worse fast because Saul was kicked out. At that time, I didn’t understand why he was just gone, I was so upset. First her baby was gone, the joy left my life, and then my lifesaver was gone. For the first time I refused their orders, I thought who cares, if I die, I die. It was the only time I ever did. Her escalation and his permissive behavior allowed it to get worse. When I gave the notion of disobedience, they nearly killed me.  Both of them… if Saul hadn’t stopped them, him… her.

I tense up and gargle some throw up, I swallow it. Holding my stomach I fall out of the thoughts in my head and sit still. I’m on my bed. Tears now flowing down my face. I had promised myself I wouldn’t go to that dark place. I hold my stomach and face tighter, and breath in slowly. I take some medicine and it lulls me to sleep.The strong medication holds true for the rest of Saturday. No dinner, no homework, no bath, I simply drift to sleep.

I wake up and I am at the cabin, I hear my brother crying. I am snapped into the moment and I rush towards him knowing the fate that will befall him. I can see him clear as day. Then the little boom, I can see it. The gas tank next to the cabin was hit by something. I can float and roam through things. This time this dream feels different.

I feel the urge to go to my brother, but its as if something is forcing me to go towards the fire. I swing my arms trying to move towards him, I see a shadow. Jumping from place to place and a sense of calm overflows me. Now, I can go see the fire. I can feel that he is going to be okay. I get to the fire. I am no longer a child, but I am standing in the fire. I can feel the soft warmth of the flames engulf me.

I can feel a merging happening, it’s like I am turning into fire and the fire is turning into me. I feel my anxiety flare and I loose control of the flames. This feels right and yet this sense of danger! My eyes open and utter the words, Jason! My eyes tear up as I run away from it all, I feel the flame behind me. It envelopes everything. The cabin, the trees…. I go to where my young self lays, as a floating apparition again, and see that I am unconscious but unharmed. I noticed the shadow from a distance, and feeling that it can sense me, I back away from my child self and hide as if I walked away. In the trees, I think to myself, ‘I can see what this thing is, or I can go search for Jason…? What should I do?’

“WaaaAAAaaahhhHHH” I turn instantaneously, and float to the noise. I turn back around and I see the figure is small, a child!?! I see him stick out his hand and then jump away to the shadows of the trees. I can see myself start to wake up. I can still hear the cries of a baby. I see my little self struggle to get up, and move towards the noise. I get close to her, I can help! I reach out to her, and she falls through my arm to the floor. Shocked I look at my hand, no…NO! I have to do something! ‘Y..You,… can,… do it. You can do it!’ I tell myself as if I’m telling her.

She crawls to the noise and reaches it. Making it there, I realize I can go further faster. When I try I am blocked. I guess I can only go as fast as her now, this must be the missing memory! I try my best to see ahead but its all blank. I hear a loud caw sound. I hear it over and over again. It wont stop.