I wake up smacking my alarm clock. “Damn, that was different.” It’s Sunday.

Saul always told me that when my life was ready to have purpose and meaning, all of what my life actually was would come to the light. He would tell me this every time I had a nightmare about my family. It always made me feel better. I smile. ‘I’m so grateful to be where I am now. I can’t just throw this opportunity away. Saul convinced me to come back to my birthplace, where my family lived before everything went bad. If Saul left, it must have been to protect me from them. So, I have to do my part now. Determined I get out of bed and follow my morning routine.

On the bus I smell coffee, it makes my mouth water. I never realized how much I relied on Saul for my morning routine. Somberly I think, ‘Oh Saul,…’ my hands tighten, ‘I hope you are all right wherever you are.’ A tear swells in my eye, I sniff it away.

From the moment I stepped off the bus today I felt awry. Like I needed to be careful. I felt so uneasy everyone made me nervous. I had to go out and get some personal emergency supplies. I needed easy to make food, Saul never got to teaching me how to cook. I needed to make sure that certain accounts were taken care of, basically following protocol. A protocol he taught me when we first got away. I think being in this situation has me on edge and maybe that’s why I feel that someone is following me. Considering they found me once before…. I arrive to my destination and begin to shop.

I finish getting everything, I get some comfort items to distract me. So few times he has allowed me to distract myself by wanting to redecorate my room or remodel some space. He said that it was ok to do it, so long as I didn’t feel or think about how I was alone. He always warned me that feeling alone is how the darkness grows. I head inside my house and start to organize the decorations I bought.

But….

Tears flowing down my face as I hold up two frames. ‘I feel so alone! Oh Saul! I really wish you were here with me, I desperately need to be with someone. Anyone! I wish I had company….’ with tears running down my face and breaking down a few times, I finally finish the night decorating my room and general living area. I mix granola, yogurt and half an opened can of peaches as my snack/lunch. My eyes are tired of crying, my lungs just want to breath normally, i take a spoonful of my snack and the crunchy sweet yogurt just brightens my whole day. I forget my eyes, lungs,  and heartache and go to town on the snack. Feeling blissful I do my homework as I eat, finishing that I take a bubble bath with some music playing, got on the internet to watch some videos and went to sleep.

Monday Morning

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Fast  Forward

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Monday Morning (#11 Since Saul’s Disappearance)

I wake up, pretend that it’s a new day. Deep down my fear grows, I know its not. It’s the same day over and over the same week over and over, just all the same.

For a whole week my school days have been on repetition, I wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, get ready for bed and go to sleep. On the weekend I stay home and study or watch videos as well as chores. My typical normal routine, with a minor and forgivable change, studying was the last thing on my mind. All that being said, I wasn’t sure when or how it happened, but it did. I think back as I put on a robe, it’s been getting colder.

As I head to the kitchen and start to turn things on to make my breakfast, I can’t help but be annoyed. I look out the window as I wait for my coffee, it’s September, and school here starts in August and goes for a full 10 months, what a drag! I much prefer the school district I went to when my parents were alive…., I think somberly, they had 3 months on and 1 month off. Getting used to this schedule change wasn’t supposed to be hard, but without Saul it has been a hell of an adjustment.

It has been 11 repetitions of this same week in September, what should have been the first week in December. If the weather here year-round wasn’t too similar, then maybe I would have noticed sooner. I think to myself ‘If I was in Vermont in what used to be our summer home, I would have absolutely noticed. Normally on the 9th week I’d be stressed for finals or other reasons. Boy did I feel stupid when I first noticed, if I would have just studied like how I was supposed to, I would have…’ DING my food is done.

Once I served my food onto my plate, I start to wash the dishes I used before I eat and think back to how I finally figured it out. Unfortunately, it took me until repetition #8 to realize that things were happening exactly the same. I was going crazy with ideas on how I could figure out, how long had I been stuck repeating the same week?

Luckily, I had marked my calendar like I typically do, so I knew how many weeks had passed by and by finally studying my class notes I was able to see how often I had been taking the same notes over and over again. What was worse is that each set of notes had the same September date, not realizing even then, that I was re-writing the same dates and notes over and over again. I sigh, ‘I just couldn’t study, I just couldn’t concentrate in school’ and think as I sit down to eat.

I look at the data and clues I was able to collect. I have tested the waters with what I can and can’t do the last 3 repetitions. ‘I was lucky that I even noticed, if it wasn’t for being used to a 3 month schedule… but the reason I hadn’t noticed was because…’ I start to eat.