The sensation of his lips still on mine, my heart racing…. No pounding!

My face feels like its burning. My hand goes to touch my lips, my first kiss. With a sad face, I back away and think to run, and he yells “WAIT!!”

I fall from the roof on my third step, completely forgetting that he had jumped us to the roof of this 10-story building.

Shocked and with tears now flowing from my eyes I scream, after the scream my face relaxes as I accept my fate, ‘no one could possibly save me now.”

Falling, I turn face-up and see feathers? So many feathers. Then a shadow. Then last I see, a… fiery bird-man grabbing me. Muttering, “Oh f@#%, she’s heavier than all the times before.” I faint, as today has officially been to much.

I dream a quick flash of a dream or past memory. I find myself and speak to this self, I know its not me but I can see her speaking through me. I ask her what this all means, am I actually trully crazy? She responds “what?? No, not at all. We were meant for something more, and you need to trust in order to be guided.” She turns to the glass and I see my body move in as in to kiss someone. I instantly think of the cute boy and blush.

Suddenly the lights flash red and she yells, but they are still embraced.

I wake up and slowly open my eyes to find Michael kissing me. Omce again my heart racing, the feeling starts as normal and slowly changes to shock and I push him away. I only take one step back and hold my mouth.

How could there ever be a we in this or trust in this if he keeps kissing me without me being conscious…?? As I think this I pull my hands away from my mouth and see that I am wearing Red gloves with a curved edge raised in a cone like shape, with fire loops accenting the curves. I sit down or better yet fall down to my knees on the horror that he may have changed my outfit. Many thoughts running through my head, she said I could trust him…???

My skirt is also red with flames and as I go from shock to horror to anger the flames on the skirt and gloves begin to love.

I look up to him and he smiles and says, “I knew it was you, Magenta you are the holder of the Elemental Earth Power of Fire, you come from a long lineage of fighters and it has come time for you to train for the future war that will begin on your 25th birthday.”

“Is that why Saul left me? Because it’s time for me to train??” I ask. And he pauses, and says “I honestly don’t know a Saul in any of this, I’m sorry. But he won’t be important for what we are going to have to do.”

Shook, I look down and become sad. The flames dim. He ahems and says, “not that he isn’t important at all, it’s just we lost a lot of time already. Is he lost? Kidnapped? Missing?”

I look up and say “I think missing. I’ve been worried is all, I’m sure he will be back soon.”

Let’s talk some more at your place, but first you will have to de-transform. Wait, you didn’t change my clothes??

Michael shocked WWWHHAAAaaaatttttTTTT?? NO, I WOULDNT DO THAT!! The necklace I placed around your neck when we spoke earlier allowed you to transform into the fire elemental heroes training outfit. I guess since you wear something similar to this for school your, mind choose this look for you to fight in. Now let’s have you de-transform, go ahead.

Waits and I look to him for further 9nstructions… then I ask wait is that all that your gonna say…?

Well what else am I supposed to say? You just do it.

I stare blankly at him and think to myself, ok must be that easy, de-transform. I open my eyes and… nothing.

I look up to him confused and he looks back at me with a raised eyebrow. I finally say “I don’t know how to make this go away”

And he responds, “sigh, ok no worries I though that by now your abilities would have some showing but if not that’s ok.” He makes a worried face and continues “come up with a word that for now means that you change back to yourself.”

I nod and say “de-elementasize” I feel a radiance leave my body and soon enough I turn back to myself. I go to take off the necklace and quickly I transform back and an almost animalistic me screams Nnnnnooooo! The emotion is intense, a fear fills my heart as I look down to confirm I’m back in uniform, and look up to him. “What happened? What… what was that?”

“I’m not sure but at this point we’ve probably been exposed too long.” Moves close to Magenta and swiftly with no hiccups picks magenta up and runs and jumps off the building. “Which way is your house? We have much to discuss and plan.”

I point in the direction of my house, the last thing I want is to be exposed and seen in this outfit. As we zoom by the town, I scan the ground to see if maybe I see Saul. I guess he notices that I’m looking around, and changes from carrying me bridal style to arm around and next to him. Oddly enough I didn’t freak out when he did this, it felt familiar and safe.

“Hey are you ok?” I look to him and stare at his brown eyes, my feelings start to bubble, but before being overwhelmed with emotion I say “considering everything I’ve been through, … I don’t know.” My eyes start to water, “it’s been a long day.” He nods and we land at my door step.

I thank him for the lift and proceed to walk inside, I hear a footstep and turn to see him following me inside, “Oh no, I need you to stop right there. I don’t see you coming inside my home.”

He sadly looks to the ground and says, “Oh, ummm. Okay, I thought we were gonna talk…”

I lowly and meekly say “We will but I’m still in this outfit, the necklace wouldn’t come off, you are still a student from class that I just met. And even though I’ve been asked to keep an open mind and told that you can be trusted, this is all too new and different, but most importantly weird. I don’t know what to make of all of this, and I understand that you have answers. But if I really am the girl you are looking for, then please understand that this is too much for one day. If this is training, then we will have to set some ground rules. And for now, I set a temporary rule of no weird shit for the next 49hrs while I try to come to terms with the magical necklace around my neck.”

“Sigh, fine. But this is a waste of time in the grand scheme of things, I will see you Thursday.” He turns around and leaves. I wait until he’s out of sight, and go around to the back of the house. It’s a safe house, and now it’s compromised.

Back to Magenta.

‘Phew, made it to 1st period’. The rest of the day goes the same until 4th period going into Lunch.

‘Ok, getting out of this class is when he starts to bug me about meeting him outside after school. I can’t accept today or any day this week until I finish scoping out the place where I say we will meet.’

I starts to pack up all of my things, ‘I need to make sure he hasn’t noticed that I noticed, I can use this repeated time to help me’. The bell rings and she waits for her row to leave and asks the same question she asked the teacher all those times ago, through her side view she notices that Michael is disappointed and packs his stuff, he  doesn’t wait for her, she looks and he leaves.

As I finish talking to the teacher I walk after him, ‘this is different…’, I think to myself. I turn to the right and he is nowhere to be seen, he couldn’t just have disappeared. I look for him, and realize ‘Shoot! I might have just gave myself away! I never would have chased him before!’

All of a sudden, a wave of pulsating invisible force courses through me, the students around me don’t notice anything but this light is too much. It feels blinding, nothing is there yet this energy forces me to close my eyes. When I come to, and open my eyes, I find myself in my 6th period class??

‘How did this happen?’ Freaking out I try to remember how the rest of the day went, but with so many Mondays… ‘Wait, All Of Those Mondays?? Then how come I only remember one Monday?’

I walk out of class dazed and the friend who needed me comes to claim it from me, but even she notices that I’m all out of sorts. I decide to walk home since maybe the fresh air will help take this headache away.

As I walk home, that feeling that I’m being followed comes and goes, but the headache really had me all out of sorts. I feel weak and like I’m going to faint at times, but catching myself I walk on. I take some medicine and decide to stop at the next bus stop. ‘I didn’t want to stop, but I think I underestimated this headache.’

Getting closer to two buildings by the corner, it’s as if my inner alarm bell is going off, and then all of a sudden that feeling is gone. Something is pulling me towards the dark alley way. My headache is gone, the wobbly feeling is gone, and as clear as day I can remember everything. Its as if my body went into autopilot and I couldn’t control my own body. I step back and all of my symptoms come right back, forcing me to step forward in order to feel better.

I look around me and of course there aren’t any people around me. Checking the “barrier” I discover that there is a circular area where I am OK, and going outside of it hurts, like a lot. As I walk back and forth trying to figure what to do, someone grabs me from behind! A hand covers my face and I can’t sceam. My heart hurts, and panic is starting to set in. A quick struggle to get free, but I can’t. They’re too strong, what am I gonna do?? My eyes begin to tear up. I close my eyes and move my face right and left to get it free, I succeed and I yell “Put me down!”

We land and I look up, while he jumped I was so scared and I held on to dear life and ended up wrapping my arms around him. I’m what would seem to most, a loving embrace between lovers. Shocked and embarrassed to be so close to a Boys face I meekly pound his chest and try to push away and say “get away from me!”

He steps back and says, “Magenta, its you” and points to me.

I sneer at him and say “No, shit Sherlock. That’s my name…” I look around and realizing what happened and where we are, I fall to the ground and start to back up slowly. ‘So it was kidnappers… what am I gonna do??’

“I tried to ask you this nicely, over and over again…” He says holding his head with his thumb and pointer finger frustratingly, and continues, “and now you left me no choice… If its not you love, then you won’t remember this.” He begins to walk towards me and still on the ground, I scoot back and nervously raise my voice, summon my courage and ask, “Did you take Saul?”

He stops. My courage raises, ‘Why did he stop?’, I keep going. “Do you know where he is?” He looks confused, then shakes his head. “Is that why you have been wanting to talk to me? To ask me for the ransom?” I pause to take a breath, eyes focused on him. Slowly, an anxiety attack hits me, out of nowhere. ‘I can’t loose control, I can’t faint here,’ struggling to breath, ‘I don’t have my medicine.’ My eyes close…

‘Wait…’ A voice in my head says. ‘You know him, he wouldn’t do that, not to you. Part of you knows this to be true.’ All of a sudden its as if I am in trance and am transported to a different place, “what is all of this?”

Mysterious voice goes, ‘you really don’t know this place?’

Silence.

10 Seconds Later.

Mystery voice comes back ‘Go figure, hmmmmm…. This is a problem.’ I respond “who are you?!”

I slowly feel myself wake up. Arms around me, warm beating heart, a sweet minty taste and a wiggle sensation in my mouth. My eyes fly wide open and I see Michael’s eyes closed… and … kissing me?!?! Shocked I push him away and yell “Get AWAY FROM MEEEEEEeeee!”

It’s Sunday and I know that if the repetition started today then the whole week will be repeated, I look at what I made and sure enough my breakfast of eggs and toast changes to a left over massacre of a snack binge from the “night before”, a night so long ago when I cried about Saul. But, no time for tears, I wipe away a forming tear from my tear duct and say, “I’m on a mission to find Saul,and I need answers. He wouldn’t just leave me, not for this long without any sign of communication unless something was wrong” I say to myself.

‘For the 8 weeks that I didn’t notice anything, I’ve had to deal with other issues… like that BOY!’ I sneer to the side “pfffft”. ‘Stupid boy.’

“Wait a second…” flashbacks of the past 8 weeks rush my mind. ‘He was always different… he… was always… DIFFERENT!’ Shook, I stand there and re count so many times when he talked to me. They are all different.

I always tried to get away from him and he always found me. EVERYONE acted the same way but he didn’t… he always reacted to my actions. I cover my mouth with my hand in disbelief and take a seat .

That stupid son of a bitch, who used an orange to fight a goddamn monster, the same boy who hasn’t stopped pestering me about meeting him after school…. could he? I’ve caught him looking at me a few times, almost wishing I’d somehow recognize who he is, but…. I can’t help but feel freaked out about a guy who just looks at me that way. Is he after revenge? For what? Not recognizing him…? Nah. And then he wants me to meet him after school?

‘That feeling!’

I look through my clues and write it down. Quickly, I hide my paperwork and place it in a secret place. That feeling of being watched again. Coming back to my kitchen table, I get another coffee and think.

‘I might be judging just a little too harshly, I recognize that, but let’s be real. A magic infused dude pops out of nowhere, just in time to fight a horrible monster, and then a family member disappears; it doesn’t sound like a coincidence to me,… it must be connected somehow, it has to be. Gosh, after so many weeks of him asking me to meet him maybe he was the connection to Saul that I needed all along!’ Hope begins to arise in my heart.

“No.”

‘Stop it.’

“Don’t get your hopes too high.” I tell myself.

‘For all I know, what this guy wants might have nothing to do with Saul leaving. I need to be smart about this. We need to meet in a public place, with close police surveillance. I have never forgotten who I am, and what I potentially mean to other people who might recognize me. The last thing I need is for a ransom to be asked for and because I have no one right now, it wouldn’t get paid.’ I begin to sit once again at my table and think, ‘Should I take that risk?’

“Is that right?” a male voice from the window says.

I turn around so fast I feel like I almost gave myself whiplash, but there is no one there. I run to the window, open it and look around and yell “Who ever you are, leave me alone! I will find out who you are!!” angered and annoyed I yell.

I look at my neighbors and they stare. I know I’m not crazy. I know that I need to be careful. Part of me is scared to holy hell that I feel like I want to go back with my aunt and uncle because at least there I would know what to expect. I force a laugh, “No, what you know is how bad it was. What I know is that even alone and here,” I take a deep breath, “I am better than I was before” I reassure myself.

‘For my inner peace,…’ I place my right hand over my heart, ‘for my state of mind,…’ I place my other hand over the first, ‘…and to cross off all possibilities; Yes, I should take the risk.’ I whisper “Saul wouldn’t stop looking for me, and I can’t stop looking for my dad,…”

Shocked I think ‘My Dad? I never realized how much I cared about Saul.’ I tear up.

I have a viable solution, I’ll meet Michael next Monday after school. That will give me time to search and prep the local where we will meet and he will talk to me about whatever it is he needs to talk to me about. All right, its time for me to get ready. A night out, here I come!

Monday the next day.

I know what route I have to take to avoid the people who I now know not to talk to. The repercussions of those actions I’ve already lived through once.

From Above.

‘There she is! I’d say right on time, but you were never one to be poignant, just one to get there when needed most.’ He observes her, she avoids contacting person #1, and dodges #2, accepted the invite for next Monday (hehehehe looks like I got her) from person #3, and SHE MADE IT to period 1. ‘Looks like she learned from her past mistakes, her training is going well. I just hope she’s the right one. I don’t need another useless psychic.’

An announcement as Period 1 settles down:

Reminder to all students to walk in pairs as there have been reports on an unidentifiable adult wearing a disguise. Some students and parents have yet to respond to some missing reports. Please be advised to walk in pairs everyday and do not, under any circumstances, go anywhere alone. Including while on campus. Thank you.

I wake up smacking my alarm clock. “Damn, that was different.” It’s Sunday.

Saul always told me that when my life was ready to have purpose and meaning, all of what my life actually was would come to the light. He would tell me this every time I had a nightmare about my family. It always made me feel better. I smile. ‘I’m so grateful to be where I am now. I can’t just throw this opportunity away. Saul convinced me to come back to my birthplace, where my family lived before everything went bad. If Saul left, it must have been to protect me from them. So, I have to do my part now. Determined I get out of bed and follow my morning routine.

On the bus I smell coffee, it makes my mouth water. I never realized how much I relied on Saul for my morning routine. Somberly I think, ‘Oh Saul,…’ my hands tighten, ‘I hope you are all right wherever you are.’ A tear swells in my eye, I sniff it away.

From the moment I stepped off the bus today I felt awry. Like I needed to be careful. I felt so uneasy everyone made me nervous. I had to go out and get some personal emergency supplies. I needed easy to make food, Saul never got to teaching me how to cook. I needed to make sure that certain accounts were taken care of, basically following protocol. A protocol he taught me when we first got away. I think being in this situation has me on edge and maybe that’s why I feel that someone is following me. Considering they found me once before…. I arrive to my destination and begin to shop.

I finish getting everything, I get some comfort items to distract me. So few times he has allowed me to distract myself by wanting to redecorate my room or remodel some space. He said that it was ok to do it, so long as I didn’t feel or think about how I was alone. He always warned me that feeling alone is how the darkness grows. I head inside my house and start to organize the decorations I bought.

But….

Tears flowing down my face as I hold up two frames. ‘I feel so alone! Oh Saul! I really wish you were here with me, I desperately need to be with someone. Anyone! I wish I had company….’ with tears running down my face and breaking down a few times, I finally finish the night decorating my room and general living area. I mix granola, yogurt and half an opened can of peaches as my snack/lunch. My eyes are tired of crying, my lungs just want to breath normally, i take a spoonful of my snack and the crunchy sweet yogurt just brightens my whole day. I forget my eyes, lungs,  and heartache and go to town on the snack. Feeling blissful I do my homework as I eat, finishing that I take a bubble bath with some music playing, got on the internet to watch some videos and went to sleep.

Monday Morning

…

…

Fast  Forward

…

…

Monday Morning (#11 Since Saul’s Disappearance)

I wake up, pretend that it’s a new day. Deep down my fear grows, I know its not. It’s the same day over and over the same week over and over, just all the same.

For a whole week my school days have been on repetition, I wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, get ready for bed and go to sleep. On the weekend I stay home and study or watch videos as well as chores. My typical normal routine, with a minor and forgivable change, studying was the last thing on my mind. All that being said, I wasn’t sure when or how it happened, but it did. I think back as I put on a robe, it’s been getting colder.

As I head to the kitchen and start to turn things on to make my breakfast, I can’t help but be annoyed. I look out the window as I wait for my coffee, it’s September, and school here starts in August and goes for a full 10 months, what a drag! I much prefer the school district I went to when my parents were alive…., I think somberly, they had 3 months on and 1 month off. Getting used to this schedule change wasn’t supposed to be hard, but without Saul it has been a hell of an adjustment.

It has been 11 repetitions of this same week in September, what should have been the first week in December. If the weather here year-round wasn’t too similar, then maybe I would have noticed sooner. I think to myself ‘If I was in Vermont in what used to be our summer home, I would have absolutely noticed. Normally on the 9th week I’d be stressed for finals or other reasons. Boy did I feel stupid when I first noticed, if I would have just studied like how I was supposed to, I would have…’ DING my food is done.

Once I served my food onto my plate, I start to wash the dishes I used before I eat and think back to how I finally figured it out. Unfortunately, it took me until repetition #8 to realize that things were happening exactly the same. I was going crazy with ideas on how I could figure out, how long had I been stuck repeating the same week?

Luckily, I had marked my calendar like I typically do, so I knew how many weeks had passed by and by finally studying my class notes I was able to see how often I had been taking the same notes over and over again. What was worse is that each set of notes had the same September date, not realizing even then, that I was re-writing the same dates and notes over and over again. I sigh, ‘I just couldn’t study, I just couldn’t concentrate in school’ and think as I sit down to eat.

I look at the data and clues I was able to collect. I have tested the waters with what I can and can’t do the last 3 repetitions. ‘I was lucky that I even noticed, if it wasn’t for being used to a 3 month schedule… but the reason I hadn’t noticed was because…’ I start to eat.

I was able to sneak around because my aunt and uncle were irresponsible guardians. I was able to do whatever I wanted so long as I wasn’t in their way. After a few years of stealth watching everyone I thought was a good person, I quickly realized that people were bad. All people were bad. The nice girls and boys, adults, everyone had something to hide.

I witnessed so many things and often thought about how easy it would be to just get rid of all of these bad people. Saul taught me otherwise though. He said that I had a fiery inclination for justice. That burning sensation in my heart wasn’t all just anger, but passion for the right thing.

I became an expert in becoming inconspicuous at every school I went to and minded my own business. I came to believe that I was the one who didn’t want friends, I was the one that needed to be punished, I was the cause of my parents deaths, and that of my little brother. To me, even if only to me… he was someone I had lost. And now, she had lost someone too.

She blamed me, I didn’t understand why. Back then I didn’t know. Now I know why all of the abuse began again. Eventually I stopped all my lessons, not by choice. She made me hate it by getting involved. Things got worse fast because Saul was kicked out. At that time, I didn’t understand why he was just gone, I was so upset. First her baby was gone, the joy left my life, and then my lifesaver was gone. For the first time I refused their orders, I thought who cares, if I die, I die. It was the only time I ever did. Her escalation and his permissive behavior allowed it to get worse. When I gave the notion of disobedience, they nearly killed me.  Both of them… if Saul hadn’t stopped them, him… her.

I tense up and gargle some throw up, I swallow it. Holding my stomach I fall out of the thoughts in my head and sit still. I’m on my bed. Tears now flowing down my face. I had promised myself I wouldn’t go to that dark place. I hold my stomach and face tighter, and breath in slowly. I take some medicine and it lulls me to sleep.The strong medication holds true for the rest of Saturday. No dinner, no homework, no bath, I simply drift to sleep.

I wake up and I am at the cabin, I hear my brother crying. I am snapped into the moment and I rush towards him knowing the fate that will befall him. I can see him clear as day. Then the little boom, I can see it. The gas tank next to the cabin was hit by something. I can float and roam through things. This time this dream feels different.

I feel the urge to go to my brother, but its as if something is forcing me to go towards the fire. I swing my arms trying to move towards him, I see a shadow. Jumping from place to place and a sense of calm overflows me. Now, I can go see the fire. I can feel that he is going to be okay. I get to the fire. I am no longer a child, but I am standing in the fire. I can feel the soft warmth of the flames engulf me.

I can feel a merging happening, it’s like I am turning into fire and the fire is turning into me. I feel my anxiety flare and I loose control of the flames. This feels right and yet this sense of danger! My eyes open and utter the words, Jason! My eyes tear up as I run away from it all, I feel the flame behind me. It envelopes everything. The cabin, the trees…. I go to where my young self lays, as a floating apparition again, and see that I am unconscious but unharmed. I noticed the shadow from a distance, and feeling that it can sense me, I back away from my child self and hide as if I walked away. In the trees, I think to myself, ‘I can see what this thing is, or I can go search for Jason…? What should I do?’

“WaaaAAAaaahhhHHH” I turn instantaneously, and float to the noise. I turn back around and I see the figure is small, a child!?! I see him stick out his hand and then jump away to the shadows of the trees. I can see myself start to wake up. I can still hear the cries of a baby. I see my little self struggle to get up, and move towards the noise. I get close to her, I can help! I reach out to her, and she falls through my arm to the floor. Shocked I look at my hand, no…NO! I have to do something! ‘Y..You,… can,… do it. You can do it!’ I tell myself as if I’m telling her.

She crawls to the noise and reaches it. Making it there, I realize I can go further faster. When I try I am blocked. I guess I can only go as fast as her now, this must be the missing memory! I try my best to see ahead but its all blank. I hear a loud caw sound. I hear it over and over again. It wont stop.

I’m not too sure what happened after that, but things got better. I was treated like a human being. And I was put into ballet, singing lessons, I played the flute, and played soccer. Saul would encourage me to go out and try new things. I would ask my guardians and they always said yes. Then she got pregnant. And with that her sanity began to unravel, I felt for her.

When she shared the news with me, I was happy for her. I knew that a baby would bring a wonderful time to the family. At first, the news brought great joy to the house, we laughed and I was involved with helping her with anything she needed. The first few months things were great, then something changed. I guess someone found out my aunt was pregnant, she had told me to keep it a secret, so the only person I told was Saul and he would never betray my trust. I knew that she would actively try to hide it from him and get silent when he would come around her. If we would talk about her baby, she would change the conversation to include all babies. I always found it suspicious.

Actually, …wait, I remember why…

It was years later, I walked in on Saul talking on the phone, before this I didn’t even bother to think of Saul having a family or anything like friends. He was just always there for me. So when I saw him on the phone I remember thinking that it was weird and stayed by the door to hear what he was talking about to see if I could see who he was talking to. I remember him saying, “She’s pregnant again? Well, this time she can have it. Since Magenta is in good health and away from any harm,… yea, yea, she has been doing great. We don’t have to get rid of that one, we know who the right heir is now anyways…” I remember getting bored and walked away because I heard my cartoon come back on.

So then…,

I guess she hid it from Saul because if she was pregnant while I was under her care, I might die? Maybe she wanted to make her child the only heir? Why kill me though? It’s not like it was my fault for being born. So then, Saul killed her baby? Saul would never do that! Never! So then, it was her deteriorating mental state that made her loose her baby. Just like the doctor said.

When she began to plan for the arrival of her baby, she was maybe 7 months along, I remember that some people came and took everything away. From one day to the next, we went from joy to depression. No one was allowed to talk about babies or young things. I tried to stay out of her war path because the mere sight of me drove her insane. I questioned my value and saw myself as a person who was so bad. What else could I be? If she acted that way towards me, then I must have been doing something wrong. She had me so well trained to believe that.

When I first moved in, I went along with what the family routine was. I thought that I should fit into whatever their normal was. I went to the school they wanted, I did everything that they wanted. There was a fight going on over where I should live and with whom. There were some strangers who I had never met that wanted me, they wanted me so bad.

But, when the judge asked me with whom I wanted to live, I chose the only family I had. I had chosen my fate and me being in that situation made me feel like it was all my fault. I had chosen what punishment to get, for having had something to due with my parents death. When they heard that they won me, I remember their reaction was lacking. But I was just happy that the judge has chosen someone that I at least knew.

For a while things were routine, but then when I made a friend and asked to do… something, I don’t really remember what it was. My aunt got very upset and annoyed. She complained that “Well, if this is were our money is going to go now! We don’t have money for that and our vacation that we already paid half of.” I was just a bother, I quieted down and apologized.

Not soon after that, my friend moved away. Every single friend I ever made after that moment, moved away. She saw me cry after the third one and told me that it was because I was supposed to be friendless, that because I was so worthless any one who came in contact with me would get their lives ruined by first moving away. She would tell me that if I liked someone then I should just stay away, and admire who they were from a far.

I remember liking different people and they moved away. Then when I would meet someone nice, I would stay away and just quietly and sneakily watch them from far away. That’s when I noticed the evil side of all people.

 

After that day I went numb, I wouldn’t do anything, I just couldn’t…. I wouldn’t talk, or respond, it made them upset and I couldn’t care because I couldn’t feel anything. Why was I alive? Why were my parents taken from me? Why couldn’t I accept that my brother was a figment of my imagination? How could life change so much for me? Why am I surrounded by people who don’t care about me? Oh…

That’s right, because it’s my fault they’re gone. I don’t remember what happened, those memories lost since that very first day. But I do remember that I felt guilty, a guilt so heavy that even then, I knew it meant I was bad. I must have felt that way for a reason. This was my penance, and Saul more than anyone knew how bad it got. It was he who found me the day I almost died. He knew something was wrong with me and told my guardians about it, but they were fed up with the chaos that was me. They simply replied, “If you think she is sick, then you may take the motorcycle, add the companion seat, put gas in it, and take her to the hospital yourself.”

As soon as he came back to my room he put a sweater and coat on me, carried me to the motorcycle and sat me in the buddy seat. I remembered thinking ‘Why are you doing this? Just let me go, I want to see my family again.’

I remember his frantic state, and the gentleness of his care for me. I felt for him, he was acting in vain. He asked me over and over if I was okay? By the 10th time I finally grunted to sign ‘yes’. We made it to the hospital and they took care of me. I ended up getting pneumonia, and if I would have arrived any later I would have died or been mentally damaged. The doctors took Saul aside, they talked. It seemed like an agreement of some kind, and then my guardians came. The nurse asked me some questions and I couldn’t answer. I was still numb.

My aunt entered my room, and exclaimed “Oh, Magenta! You’re all right!”. She hugged me, the same way as the first time when I was being taken care of, the day of my parents death. I realized, ‘Since then? Since then you didn’t like me? Since then you didn’t want me? You are a monster.’ I looked at her with contempt. But, as soon as she looked my way I put my face down.

A police officer came in and asked the nurse, “Ma’am is the man who brought her here still on the premises? We need to ask him a few questions.” The nurse said “Yes” as she should have and walked out of the room to show him where last she saw him. My aunt let go of me and she smirked. I looked up at her, to this day I don’t know why, why she told me what she told me? Did she think I was too far gone to do something about it?

She stood up and mumbled to herself, “He messed up, finally I can get rid of him. Once he is gone I can finally do away with this burden” she faces and looks to me “and move on with our lives.” I just thought to myself ‘So this is how I finally get to die.’ Then I heard the commotion outside of the door, a mumbled voice. My aunt goes to the door and goes outside, but doesn’t close the door all the way. I hear Saul very clearly, “I didn’t kidnap Magenta! I was given permission from madam to take her to the hospital!”

I could hear the officer say, “Sir you have the right to remain silent,…” Saul made eye contact with me and calmed down. He smiled and left willingly with the officer. I felt the injustice, I realized this wasn’t my punishment, this was their cruelty. I sat there wondering ‘What should I do?…. Wait…

I want to do something? I can’t just let this happen. He didn’t lie, and cops were good people, so why did they think that Saul had kidnapped me??’ Then I remembered her comment, and realized what she had done.

I needed to do something, but what could I do. I brought my knees to my face and felt defeated. I needed to make this right. So I did the only thing I could think of, I chose to threaten my aunt to free Saul. I called for the nurse and she came in with an officer. She finished her check up, and I started to respond, answering her questions. Finally it was the cops turn to ask.

Her first question, “Did the servant Saul kidnap you?” I was shocked, I looked at her confused. Then it came to me, this is my chance! I replied “What? No! Saul didn’t kidnap me. I don’t remember if he asked for permission from me, but I was unconscious. I was sick and disoriented that I couldn’t even respond. He saved my life! Please don’t punish Saul for saving my life, when my aunt and uncle did nothing to help me.”

She then asked, “Do your guardians normally ignore you when you get sick?” I said “Yes, because they don’t want to get sick too. So they always have Saul care for me on top of everything else he does for our family. Sometimes it gets overwhelming for him…” I start to cry, realizing how much he truly cared and tried for me, “but he always makes time for me, not like them.” I respond almost hissing in anger, through my tears.

At first everything was fine, we unpacked what we brought, we made the beds, I set up my baby brother’s room. The feeling in the room was happy, joyful, and… Saul was…there? Ha. ha. ha. No. Saul isn’t there, but because of this day I really got to meet him for the first time. Then, the storm hit. Such a weird moment. Everything a blur. I remember putting my brother to sleep, I remember looking at his cute little face thinking that “I can’t wait to talk to you.” I remember feeling frightened, and hiding under my blankets. Seeing flashes of light. One right after the other. And the little rocks hitting the cabin. Then.

Then I remember feeling a sense of calmness. I walk out of bed towards the window and I see such a beautiful red and magenta to orange light coming from the woods. Next thing I knew, I was outside in front of it. A tree fallen over, embers everywhere and a fire thriving. I remember reaching out my hand, almost playing with the soft little fires. They tickled my fingers, I remember carrying one and feeling its little heartbeat. Then the boom and things go dark fast.

I wake up to my aunt crying to the officers. My uncle yelling at the officers to find him, you must find him. I get up and walk towards the commotion, I can’t see. I wipe my eyes, and when I open them I see red and blue flashes of lights. I cover my face and walk towards the cabin. An officer sees me and he yells “medic!” I get lifted and they say “what happened?” The medic starts his check up, and I try to grab her hands to make her stop, I ask again “what happened? what happened?! WHAT HAPPENED!?!?!?” almost screeching at the medic.

She walks away and comes back with my aunt. She says, “Oh, Magenta!” She hugs me. “How are you dear? Are you all right? We were both so worried about you.” She lets me go. I look to her confused. “Yes Auntie, of course I’m alright. Auntie… what happened?” She backs away, surprised. She walks away, I get up and head to the cabin. I look and look, I think ‘where is it? Where? Is? It?’ I begin to call out, “Momma! Pappa!”

Silence. Everything stops, it all goes quiet. At that moment I knew they were gone, in that moment I felt this blame on myself, I felt responsible for not being where I was supposed to be. This was all my fault. I began to cry, I stood there and I cried. I heard the officer say that they found the bodies of the mother and father only. I thought ‘…only…? ONLY??’ I run through the ashes to where my baby brother was. The fire fighters catch up to me and lift me yelling, “Wait! It’s still too hot!” I yell “But… my BABY BROTHER!”

They bring me back to my aunt and uncle. They ask my aunt and uncle “Is there also a baby that was on the premises?” They both look at each other confused and say in unison, “Baby!?” My Aunt continues, “They didn’t have a baby, we saw them just about a month ago, they didn’t have a baby.” I watched her lie, my dad talked to her everyday, how could she not know. I grew angry on the inside and yelled, “I do have a baby brother! I do!” They left me with a police officer, and they talked, and talked, and talked.

I remember feeling and thinking “I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I have a brother, I d… have a brother, I do… have a brother, I don… have a brother… I don’t have a brother?”

I ended up living with my aunt and uncle. At first I really think they tried to love me. Love me like one of their own they would tell me. Always distinguishing that I wasn’t really one of them. But after failed attempts to convince them that I did have a baby brother, they began to punish me. Maybe it felt good to them to do that to me, but what ever the reason it didn’t stop there.

After the funeral, they read my parents will. That’s when Saul came to live with us. He was our servant, he introduced himself to me. I almost spoke “I’ve met you before”, but my aunt cut me off and said “I know that so long as we care for dear Magenta, we will be able to use her parents finances to provide her the lifestyle dictated in their will. My poor sister-in-law, my poor brother-in-law, but alas here we are Saul. We accept your services as dictated by the will, but understand that if you cross us, we can always live without Magenta…”

My heads looks down, I felt such a shock, to my core. I lost all sense of myself, I felt destroyed. I lost my mom, and my dad! I felt as if I was going crazy because I remembered my brother, his scent, his little hand, and yet, he didn’t exist.

She continues “I mean without Magenta’s parent’s money. We love Magenta, but we don’t know you. We don’t live like this. My husband chose to bring her in because she is HIS brother’s daughter. Me? I have a connection with Magenta that isn’t a mother’s role, because I could never be her mother. But I care about her well-being, so I am invested in raising her as a proper young woman who knows her place. And you wont interfere with that.”

I walk through the front door and say “I’m home Saul!” No one answers. I think to myself ‘Well it is Tuesday, maybe he went shopping?’ I decide to make myself a snack, peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk. I close the knife drawer with my hip, and a shooting pain rushes through my leg. I yelp, and start to breath in agony. I put the knife down and grab my hip. I expose my hip to find that I am bruised and its purple and green. I get reminded of the last time I had this color bruising… back when I was with my aunt and uncle. My face goes numb and I know what to do. I leave my sandwich and go get the first aide kit. I grab some Gauss and wrap my waist and hip with it. I put water on the stove to boil, get a rag and dip it in the boiling hot water and set it to slightly cool to where I could put it on my skin. It burned, it hurt, tears flowed; but I knew from past experiences that now I would be fine.

I thought back to how I got the bruise, and remembered Jorge. I feel myself blush. Then I’m reminded of Michael… the boy with the orange who fought off a monster bullfrog… who followed me today. I shake my head and realize maybe I just had an episode and that really didn’t happen? Monsters and heroes, powers? No it was too ridiculous.

I ate my PB&J, drank my milk and got ready for bed. Not 5 minutes in bed and I fall asleep.

The next day, the third day, I went invisible. No one noticed me. The girls who I had interacted with left me alone and I didn’t see Jorge. I went home, I didn’t see Saul, ate a snack, did homework and went to sleep.

The rest of the week went well, everyday that ended uneventful, I just went about my day. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Finally Friday. I look for Saul as soon as I get home and don’t find him. I get frustrated, he hasn’t been here for me lately. But, I shrug and feel proud that I have been able to take care of myself. I decide to go out, my own personal secret.

The next morning I wake up slowly and take a deep breath. I smell nothing. I get up and change to day clothes and walk to the kitchen, expecting to see Saul; but there is no one there. I wait around for the only adult I really trust and know, Saul, the person I consider to be my father figure. The person I care about the most, where is he? I think back to the last time I saw him and realize that its been a few days… A sense of panic sets in. How could I not see it, how did this pass by me, how could I not know?! I sit in bed, stuck.

For that moment I am frozen, stuck in an seemingly endless cycle of my past memories. I feel cold, its raining. I look at my hand and its cold because I was touching the car window. We are driving to the cabin, such a happy place. I am 10 years old, we have been coming here since I could remember, as early as five.

I still remember my fifth birthday, just me, mom and dad. We lived in a neighborhood where it was nice, every one was nice to me. I loved it there. Then, all out of the blue we moved, everything changed, life changed.

We moved to a house that was smaller, dad no longer stayed with mom like he used to. Mom always said “Dad went to work darling.” While he was away, Saul would come and stay with us. Mom gave me singing lessons and I always got the songs right, sometimes even before she would teach it to me. I can still remember her happy loving face.

I wish I could remember when I first started to see Saul around, but I was just a baby. Mom and dad tried to keep a lot of old belongings away from me. But just once, I went into that room and saw Uncle Saul carrying me as a baby, smiling, holding me with my parents in the background. They looked weird but very happy.

The long drive that awful night gave me such a wonderful opportunity to really think back and solidify my memories of the really beautiful moments I had up until that point with my parents. Some big news had occurred, Mom was pregnant. She was surprised, maybe even a little appalled that she was pregnant. I remember asking her if “I was going to have a sibling?” She asked me “why?” I replied, “because momma, I want to be a big sister to a baby brother.” She looked at me and smiled sweetly, she got up and made a call as I left to play in my room. Next thing I knew we were coming to the cabin as a surprise visit.